vizioneS of phuturE​(​s) past (c o n c l u s i o n) [Prod. ruffian]

from by ruffian

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Thoughts, running, pacing, staring
I don’t always want to be like this
Remember the past – momentary bliss
Snap back to the present
Project to the future
I never wanted this
But you gave it to me nonetheless
Try to suppress the stress
Catch my breath
But to no avail
What good’s a brain when all it does is beat up your insides
Thoughts infect what was once healthy
And it’s just me I know
My enemy that’s always present
But knowing it doesn’t seem to help it
How do you defeat yourself without losing what is you?
But I already lost me
Or at least I’m close to that
Sinking to the bottom
A gathering darkness
Stirring up what you’ve tried to hide
But it finds you
It found me
It is me

Alone and lost in this not so silent night
Searching for the light that used to burn in me
But herbs burnt turned confidence to insecurity
Coated my mind in this mirage of sick impurity
Now surely I could just calm down
Strip back the illusion
Suppress the confusion
And bury the doubt
Stop entertaining the gremlin that’s latched and attached to my worrisome mind
In time accept what is me
All is me
The little voice and the body
The combination of both in all its ugliness and beauty
Tangled together
Inseparable and ineffable
Staring at myself from within
And feeling what is me
Split but equal
Past and sequel
Good and evil


from hightmares, released May 23, 2015



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